To do list

I'm writing my research report and I'm in a major writer blog + today is the last day of 2009 so I decide to check my to do list last year and make a new one.

Here is last year to do list:

• Get a driving license: It's in my purse. DONE.
• Can actually dance: I know salsa, rumba and a little bit of waltz. DONE.
• Don't lose or broke cellphone: Still using the one from last year: DONE.
• Speak English better: Not sure about this one. Half Done.
• Study GMAT again: Not even close. NOT DONE.
• Got a part time job: Hahahahaha. NOT DONE.
• Study another language: It's gonna be on to do list this year. NOT DONE.
• Read Gone with the wind + Jane Austin: Thank you very much RMIT library. DONE.
• Find a boyfriend: Why did I put it in the to do list: NOT DONE

This year to do list:

• Graduate from RMIT.
• Get an internship in a good company and a job.
• Buy a motorbike.
• Study GMIT or GRE.
• Find possible scholarship for a Master in Communication.
• Start exercise often.
• More dance class.
• Study another language.
  

To my closest friend

I know you won't read this and you won't understand it but I just want to say how I will miss you when you are gone.
We grow up together and you are my sister. We meet a few time a year and don't spend much time together but I love you most. I never hide anything from you and you alone are the only one I share my secret. You might be my cousin but you are also my friend and sister.
There are rarely anything common between us. We look different and act different. You learn French, I learn English. You have tons of friends, I don't have many. You love to draw and I such at it. You can't cook and I can (not very well thought). It's amazing how we can be so different from each other but what more important is despite all those differences I love you and I hope you feel the same.
We have a beautiful childhood together. I remember that night on the train we wake each other up to chat and eat some spice we found in the noodle. I remember the time your brother, my cousin, entertains us with story he make up. I remember you braising my hair before we goes to sleep and I wake up with curry hair. I remember we stay up so late chatting about everything going on in our lives when we ain't with each other.
But I have know for a long time we won't be together forever. What we want goes beyond this city or country. We will go along way to learn, to work, to experiment. It's just a matter of time. And now you are leaving. It might not seem to be such a long time but the future is uncertain. I can't tell when you finish school where would I be at the time. What I most certain is I probably won't be able to wait for you at the airport and say "Welcome home". But no matter how far away you are we will still be good friend. No matter what happen, our blood still bond us together and we are still cousin. And one day in the future we will meet and it would be like old time when we lay side by side and talk about the part of our lives that didn't include each other.
I wrote this not because I want you to know about it but the opposite. These sad feeling will only make your path more difficult. I know I will cry on the day you go and that would be the end my sadness. What I will do is be there for you when you meet difficulty. So far away I don't know if I can be any help but no matter what happen you can talk to me. Even if I can't fix it, I can listen to it and maybe make you feel better. I don't really know. This is one of those times in my life that I feel I don't have any control over anything, that I am small and insignificant but I will try to be of some use for you, my dearest.

A post much need for me.

Need entertainment

It has come. That time of the summer break when you have play all the game you have, read all the comic book you have, watch all the TV program you like and nothing new is coming up yet. The only thing different now is beside the insufficient of entertainment is the new load of what you call summer school even though you don't have a three-months summer break.
Yesterday I watch the movie I've been waiting for and there is nothing I want to watch coming up. I still have a game I haven't play on my computer but I know I'm in no mood to play it. Shouldn't have let Restaurant City distract me from it. I have read a lot of comic book but they are all old one. I even finish my collection of Donald & Friend, Tin Tin, Smurf, Spirou and Fantasio. And I'm run out of comic book. I have reread a lot of novel I have finish all the book of Jack London I have, a couple of Jules Verne, and of course Jane Austin. I also swept through Nam Cao and Vu Trong Phung and a couple more books and that is all I feel interest in right now. I 've been spending a lot of time with the TV and overdose on CSI and Disney Channel so no more of them. And after doing all of that, I still got a few week of semester break which I don't know how to use.
The best solution will be go to the bookstore and pick out some book but that would require finding out which one worst reading and I'm not in the mood for it at all. I'm considering buying the novel Demon and Angel. This time I'm doing it backward: watch the movie before read the novel. I've never done it before and curious would I found the book better or the movie better. But I'm too lazy to go to the bookstore so I guess that plan would be delay. A more convinient solution is go though the other part of my novel collection which consist of more difficult novel. I have one particula book in mind: Papillon. The book has been there forever and for some reason I still haven't read it. I'm just affaird it would require a lot of thinking and emotion which I'm not sure I have right now. Or I can reread Roots or Godfather. Good novel and easy to understand. Or read Old man and the sea once more to see if I can finally love it. I remember I really don't like that book the first time I read it but it must be 10 years ago. I think I change a lot since then.
Anyway I'm in serious need to find new entertainment.

Regret

This afternoon I spend an hour reading blog of a friend, ignoring the 40% test tomorrow. In an hour I read everything he writes about a year ago when we about to leave high school, I also see a couple of pictures of myself back then. Suddenly realize I have change so much. Less cry, less laugh, more calm, more stable. Suddenly miss the girl I use to be. Back then I already close up from the world, it took a long time for me to join in with our class. Now, I'm even more close up than before, that careless smile I use to wear have faded since when I don't even realize. Regret but I have to move on, have to change. I just hope when I'm with them again I will return to that happy girl.

The end of the rainbow

When I was young, I have seen a scene. I can't recall when or where I seen it. I can't even remember what was it about. All I remember is a feeling it left in me. A wonderful feeling in which terror and admire mix up together. I can still recall it sometime. The feeling when all your limbs are frozen, every hairs are standing on end, blood run out of your face and coldness cover you. You can't move an inch, all you can do is stand and tremble. Scare but at the same time ancious waiting for something to happen, knowing you are not ready but don't care a thing about it.
That feeling of terror and admire belong to a part of my mind I can't touch. I can't even come close. It is that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I'm trying to catch. I might never be able to feel it again but I can't stop looking for it. Just a taste, a blur recall of the feeling left me wanting more and I can't stop until I found it. I want to see all the wonder of the world, face the magnificent of nature, I know there must be one of them can gave me the feeling again. The scare and terror but utmost happy seeing how small and in significant I really is. That is the strongest feeling I have ever feel. For me, it is more than any happy feeling, any joy, any pain. That terror make me alive and make me feel I'm real. I'm living. I'm existing. I'm a human not a ghost walk on the face of Earth.

Dream

Last night, I got a very weird dream. In the dream, I seem to relive my life as a high school student. I rarely dream and never remember my dream unless it's nightmare that wake me up in cold sweet. However, for some reason, I remember last night extremely well. Not just what I do but what I feel, what I thing in that dream. Every thing seem so real.
I remember sit in History class. The tension when our teacher decided which name to call is unbearable. My heart seems to stop beating and sink to my stomach. I can feel blood run out of my face. I don't know if it's a result of all the time we wait for teacher to call our name when I'm in high school or something else. It's just so alive. The feeling of the clear sky before the storm. After that we start studying like usual with our eyes look at the teacher and our mind out of the window.
Then come the break. I remember walking in the hall way to the canteen. Buy a snack and sit around gossiping. The whole thing was so normal yet so wonderful. In that short time I return to the high school girl I use to be. But there is no worry for the coming test, no wonder which way will our future go. Just mindless talk mix with humor. Completely carefree. We laugh over some very stupid story I can't even remember. Joking around. I remember one of the girl point at some boy for some reason and we all start looking at him and smile and whisper. He turn back and look at us along with his group of friend. What we do has no sense at all, yet we don't care. All we want is to have a nice break with no worry what will come after that. That feeling of freedom, of stupidity, of youth. Would I ever be able to feel it again?
One more thing, one of the lecture I sit through in my dream is with Mrs. Thanh Ha. She was scolding us about something. Such wonderful literature teacher, her scolding is better than any lecture she could give. After all, who care about To Huu and his poems. For Mrs. Ha, conducting our behavior is far more important than any poems or novel.
High school is wonderful. Especially when you're no longer in it.

To do list

I have been pretty confuse about my coming up birthday. But keep sitting around looking all confuse will help me nothing so I decide to check what I have done in the last year and what should I do in the coming age. One of my friend do this on New Year and it look fun.
So first comes my check list:
April: got a cell phone
May: leave high school (19/5: final day as high school student)
June: graduate from high school
July: university entrance exam
August: get into University of Banking
September: get out of University of Banking (that was quick)
October: start studying at RMIT
November: one month at RMIT and still alive
December: two month at RMIT and still alive
January: pass final exam + prepare for Tet holiday
February: back to school
Match: start studying dance + pronunciation

And here is my to do list: (no order)
_ Get a driving license
_ Can actually dance
_ Don't lose or broke the cell phone (I change cell phone twice last year (><))
_ Speak English better
_ Study GMAT again
_ Got a part time job
_ Study another language (maybe French. I want to read my cousin blog)
_ Read Gone with the wind + Jane Austin collection
_ Find a boyfriend ( the hardest one)

Birthday

My birthday is in two days. For some reason, I keep feeling I'm not ready to step into another age.
Before I'm 18, I want 18 to come quick probably because I'm waiting for some magical change when I reach 18. I would become more responsible, wiser, happier, so on and so on. I think when I'm 18 I will be at better use for people around me. But here I am, almost 19 and I feel no different to me when I'm 16. I go to different school, study higher but is there anything that is different 'bout me? I think I look the same. I haven't grow at all last year. I live with my parent, get allowance. I go to school and go back to home. My life haven't change at all and I'm scare.
I've been an official adult for a year and I have yet to accomplish anything. That doesn't feel right. What should I do with my life is still unclear. What do I want? I don't even know. Every time I meet with question such as what is your favourite food? What is your favourite movie? I skip. I don't understand myself anymore. Some how the talkative girl with opinion disappear but in stead of some more mature woman in her place there is nothing. How can I bring this mess with me into 19. If the inside girl don't grow what is the point of celebrate the body get old?
Is it just me or everybody has to gone through this state of confuse?

First Time

First time:
I write about Amotizen in my blog. I hardly ever share any feeling I have for Amotizen. It's not because I don't love amo. I just treasure amo too much. Being one of them is a privilege I don't know how I deserve. Memo about Amo is what I hang on to when everything is lost. Being with amo is a dream too wonderful I know I could never imagine on my own.
I go with amo to eat hot pot. One of a time experience. The best thing is I come back without any injury. No wet pain (poor Chu), no burn (almost couldn't make it) a shrimp and a few piece of cuttle-fish. I learn that the greatest battle of all is the one happen on a dinning table.
Nothing help you ease down as an afternoon with amo.

A new year

I really need a new year check list. you know some paper that you write what you want to accomplish in the next year. Why? Because I feel like it have been a year already and I still haven't do anything good. Oh my good, I'm turning 19 in two month and I still have so much I want to do before that age. Where did the time go.

A bit of ifonramoitn

Do you konw taht if you mix up the ltteres in a wrod and keep the frsit and fnail lteter un tucoh you can siltl usnretdnad the wrod? It hvae been sicenfitcailly povred. Cool isn't it.

Left behind

I'm not leaving anybody or get abandon if that's what you think.
This is the event that bring this on. Last week is the Lunar New Year, as tradition, I go visit my teacher on the third day of new year. Actually I have never properly visit my teacher during New Year holiday but it is not my false my family love to travel on this occasion. Anyway, the teachers that I visited are two of our former teachers in high school, that is why I went visit them with a group of my classmate in high school.
I think I should give some more information about my high school class. Different from many Western country, in high school we don't choose class according to subject and teacher. We study with the same classmate for years. This create a strong bond between every student. In my class, this bond is exceptionally strong. During our high school year, we are one, we call ourselves by a name, treat each other equally. There are argument and each of us have our small group of close friend but it didn't stop us from being one and being equal. We study the same thing, at the same school. In short, we are all the same.
But thing change after we graduate. Sure, we are still a group, a close society include the craziest of the crazy in the world, but beside from the time we hang out with each other (which is very rare now) each of us are walking their own path, each of us are making their own success and for some reason, I seem to be the one who stay the same. When I heard my friends talk to our teachers, a part of me think of them as the same as the boy or girl I study with, but the other part, the part that heard about their concern and success, the part that heard about their current life feel like they are at a place so high and so far away I can't ever reach. For some reason I can't move on at they have done, for some reason I stay behind and hold on to the pass. If only I know what is that reason. ***sign***