What is it like to be sick? To never have a moment feel healthy? How harsh is it actually? Lately that question come a lot around my head. And I guest I can never answer.
I'm not what you call a healthy child. In fact I get sick a lot. But it only small one. Catch a few cold a year, sore throat is some kind of daily matter. But they have never been a trouble for me before and most likely would never be. I get use to it and it doesn't bother me at all.
But things are different with my friend. She have a trouble with her bone structure and have try to put up with it. Finally when she decide to deal with it, it have already got out of hand. I want to said something so much, want to make her feel better but I can't. I don't know how she feel, talking to her I was so afraid I would dig up the old wound. I want to tell her just cry but then what. I cry so many time over so many thing. It's never help. When I cry I don't feel better, I only relive that bad moment over and over again. Would it be the same for her? Would she live that moment again and again or would it help her release all the sadness and move on? I really don't know. I have trouble. I'm lost in my own world but all those trouble I could do something about it, fix it, make it better. What about her? She lost and she can't even help herself. I wonder what would I do if I'm in her place? When I have my arm broken I been through a little panic. It feel so scary, no it feel much worst knowing I would never be the same as I was. You can't believe what I did back then. I disobey the doctor's order and try to put my arm in use. Stop every time it hurt but continue shortly after that. I don't know if it help but I got my arm back. It feel as good as it use to be. Has I go against nature back then? Or it is just a normal thing? It work for me to try do what I feel need would it work for my friend?
So many question!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Home
Have I ever told you about the house in which I live in??? I don't remember so. That's why in this very bored moment of summer I'm gonna spent sometime talking about it. The house I'm living in is not exactly a new house. No matter how we repaint it every year and fix it up, the fact that it have been built half a century ago can't be denial. Don't think about a classic and elegant house yet. Mine look nothing like that, it is a city house. Thank to my grandpa who is an engineer it is not at all ugly. In fact it's beautiful in it own way. Strong and protective. That's how my house is.
When I say my house is protective I'm not kidding. Unless somebody from the in side forget to lock the door there is almost no way somebody can break into without causing with attention. Remember those movie in which you can silently knock down the glass and break into the house. Not gonna happen here. behind the thick glass of my window is not only a curtain but also a beautiful yet strong web of metal. Unless you have a saw in your hand a break in will not possible. The same happen for all the small door around the house. What about the front door? It would take hours to break through those two iron door.
But it is not the door that make me feel the house is so isolate. It is its entire structure. The structure is mean to isolate the house with the condition out side it. When I'm in my house, all noise around seem to disappear. all the car, motorbike, people around me seem to vanish. You can't imagine staying alone in the house. It's just like you are the only one in the world. Most of the time I stay alone, I sleep. One hour, two hours or twenty hours, they are dall the same. Time doesn't matter any more. Nothing matter 'cause nothing exist. I'm the only living thing and I'm staying still so everything 's staying still. At least until somebody ring the bell.
Most of the walls are painted white. Not completely while. Actually it is a very very light violet. So light it turns white. It's nice actually. It doesn't remind me of the hospital's color. That sickly white always give me such a headache. However, somehow that white make my life even more still than it already is.
Nice but quiet and scarily isolate. That's my house.
When I say my house is protective I'm not kidding. Unless somebody from the in side forget to lock the door there is almost no way somebody can break into without causing with attention. Remember those movie in which you can silently knock down the glass and break into the house. Not gonna happen here. behind the thick glass of my window is not only a curtain but also a beautiful yet strong web of metal. Unless you have a saw in your hand a break in will not possible. The same happen for all the small door around the house. What about the front door? It would take hours to break through those two iron door.
But it is not the door that make me feel the house is so isolate. It is its entire structure. The structure is mean to isolate the house with the condition out side it. When I'm in my house, all noise around seem to disappear. all the car, motorbike, people around me seem to vanish. You can't imagine staying alone in the house. It's just like you are the only one in the world. Most of the time I stay alone, I sleep. One hour, two hours or twenty hours, they are dall the same. Time doesn't matter any more. Nothing matter 'cause nothing exist. I'm the only living thing and I'm staying still so everything 's staying still. At least until somebody ring the bell.
Most of the walls are painted white. Not completely while. Actually it is a very very light violet. So light it turns white. It's nice actually. It doesn't remind me of the hospital's color. That sickly white always give me such a headache. However, somehow that white make my life even more still than it already is.
Nice but quiet and scarily isolate. That's my house.
A Scary Thought
Don't get scare yet. I'm not taking about thought in which ghosts and vampire running wild. Actually, it is a even more scary one. The kind of thought in which you questioning your own existence. Do you know that for each of us the chance that we even been born is ever small? I'm taking 1/1,000,000 the most. One false move in the history line and we won't even be there. But the chance of existence is still much larger than that of another being growing up become the person you are. Every experience you have been through in your life help make you the person you are. They influenced you one way or another.
But after all that hard work what did we have to offer back life. I question that all day as I sit still contributing nothing to life and yet taking too much. I waste my parents money by eating, going to school, playing. I eat animal and drink water to exist. I breath in O2 and release CO2. I damage this whole planet just by living. And for what? Most of my accomplishments are in studying. I help my parents but very little. I realize all of this yet I do nothing. I cannot stop people from staving to death. I can't even make a decent meal for my family. I can't help people who have AIDS, I can't even keep myself from catching a cold. I can't clear the world of war when my siblings are still frighting over the computer.
I'm nobody, my existence mean nothing to almost no one. But one day that will change and with every move I make, every good deed I do, that one day is getting closer and closer.
But after all that hard work what did we have to offer back life. I question that all day as I sit still contributing nothing to life and yet taking too much. I waste my parents money by eating, going to school, playing. I eat animal and drink water to exist. I breath in O2 and release CO2. I damage this whole planet just by living. And for what? Most of my accomplishments are in studying. I help my parents but very little. I realize all of this yet I do nothing. I cannot stop people from staving to death. I can't even make a decent meal for my family. I can't help people who have AIDS, I can't even keep myself from catching a cold. I can't clear the world of war when my siblings are still frighting over the computer.
I'm nobody, my existence mean nothing to almost no one. But one day that will change and with every move I make, every good deed I do, that one day is getting closer and closer.
Bored
Just like every normal student, I await for summer every school-day. And now as the happy moment finally comes and the tests are history-no-more. I feel bored. I tired of summer the same way I tired of school. Illogical, I don't think so. After all, if you can get bored of going to school everyday how can you never tired of taking summer holiday.
I still remember the feeling of wanting a vacation when I'm over my head with test and lesson. But now every day pass is a torture. All those time I spend doing almost nothing make me feel so left out. Left out of society, of life, of everything.
Of course I didn't sit at home all those time. In fact, my summer only start 21 days ago and through that short time I have gone out so many time with so many people. Several time with my classmates, a few with a group of close friend and a few meeting with my relative. Still all I feel is bored and empty.
I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND DO SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY HAVE SOME MEANING.
I still remember the feeling of wanting a vacation when I'm over my head with test and lesson. But now every day pass is a torture. All those time I spend doing almost nothing make me feel so left out. Left out of society, of life, of everything.
Of course I didn't sit at home all those time. In fact, my summer only start 21 days ago and through that short time I have gone out so many time with so many people. Several time with my classmates, a few with a group of close friend and a few meeting with my relative. Still all I feel is bored and empty.
I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND DO SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY HAVE SOME MEANING.
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