The end of the rainbow

When I was young, I have seen a scene. I can't recall when or where I seen it. I can't even remember what was it about. All I remember is a feeling it left in me. A wonderful feeling in which terror and admire mix up together. I can still recall it sometime. The feeling when all your limbs are frozen, every hairs are standing on end, blood run out of your face and coldness cover you. You can't move an inch, all you can do is stand and tremble. Scare but at the same time ancious waiting for something to happen, knowing you are not ready but don't care a thing about it.
That feeling of terror and admire belong to a part of my mind I can't touch. I can't even come close. It is that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I'm trying to catch. I might never be able to feel it again but I can't stop looking for it. Just a taste, a blur recall of the feeling left me wanting more and I can't stop until I found it. I want to see all the wonder of the world, face the magnificent of nature, I know there must be one of them can gave me the feeling again. The scare and terror but utmost happy seeing how small and in significant I really is. That is the strongest feeling I have ever feel. For me, it is more than any happy feeling, any joy, any pain. That terror make me alive and make me feel I'm real. I'm living. I'm existing. I'm a human not a ghost walk on the face of Earth.

Dream

Last night, I got a very weird dream. In the dream, I seem to relive my life as a high school student. I rarely dream and never remember my dream unless it's nightmare that wake me up in cold sweet. However, for some reason, I remember last night extremely well. Not just what I do but what I feel, what I thing in that dream. Every thing seem so real.
I remember sit in History class. The tension when our teacher decided which name to call is unbearable. My heart seems to stop beating and sink to my stomach. I can feel blood run out of my face. I don't know if it's a result of all the time we wait for teacher to call our name when I'm in high school or something else. It's just so alive. The feeling of the clear sky before the storm. After that we start studying like usual with our eyes look at the teacher and our mind out of the window.
Then come the break. I remember walking in the hall way to the canteen. Buy a snack and sit around gossiping. The whole thing was so normal yet so wonderful. In that short time I return to the high school girl I use to be. But there is no worry for the coming test, no wonder which way will our future go. Just mindless talk mix with humor. Completely carefree. We laugh over some very stupid story I can't even remember. Joking around. I remember one of the girl point at some boy for some reason and we all start looking at him and smile and whisper. He turn back and look at us along with his group of friend. What we do has no sense at all, yet we don't care. All we want is to have a nice break with no worry what will come after that. That feeling of freedom, of stupidity, of youth. Would I ever be able to feel it again?
One more thing, one of the lecture I sit through in my dream is with Mrs. Thanh Ha. She was scolding us about something. Such wonderful literature teacher, her scolding is better than any lecture she could give. After all, who care about To Huu and his poems. For Mrs. Ha, conducting our behavior is far more important than any poems or novel.
High school is wonderful. Especially when you're no longer in it.

To do list

I have been pretty confuse about my coming up birthday. But keep sitting around looking all confuse will help me nothing so I decide to check what I have done in the last year and what should I do in the coming age. One of my friend do this on New Year and it look fun.
So first comes my check list:
April: got a cell phone
May: leave high school (19/5: final day as high school student)
June: graduate from high school
July: university entrance exam
August: get into University of Banking
September: get out of University of Banking (that was quick)
October: start studying at RMIT
November: one month at RMIT and still alive
December: two month at RMIT and still alive
January: pass final exam + prepare for Tet holiday
February: back to school
Match: start studying dance + pronunciation

And here is my to do list: (no order)
_ Get a driving license
_ Can actually dance
_ Don't lose or broke the cell phone (I change cell phone twice last year (><))
_ Speak English better
_ Study GMAT again
_ Got a part time job
_ Study another language (maybe French. I want to read my cousin blog)
_ Read Gone with the wind + Jane Austin collection
_ Find a boyfriend ( the hardest one)

Birthday

My birthday is in two days. For some reason, I keep feeling I'm not ready to step into another age.
Before I'm 18, I want 18 to come quick probably because I'm waiting for some magical change when I reach 18. I would become more responsible, wiser, happier, so on and so on. I think when I'm 18 I will be at better use for people around me. But here I am, almost 19 and I feel no different to me when I'm 16. I go to different school, study higher but is there anything that is different 'bout me? I think I look the same. I haven't grow at all last year. I live with my parent, get allowance. I go to school and go back to home. My life haven't change at all and I'm scare.
I've been an official adult for a year and I have yet to accomplish anything. That doesn't feel right. What should I do with my life is still unclear. What do I want? I don't even know. Every time I meet with question such as what is your favourite food? What is your favourite movie? I skip. I don't understand myself anymore. Some how the talkative girl with opinion disappear but in stead of some more mature woman in her place there is nothing. How can I bring this mess with me into 19. If the inside girl don't grow what is the point of celebrate the body get old?
Is it just me or everybody has to gone through this state of confuse?