Little Miss Perfect

That's something I would like to be call. Don't take me wrong. It's not like I actually enjoy being someone like that but at lease it would me got out of my current situation.
Have your ever heard about people who keep on doing what everyone else tell them to do? I'm one of those kind. It's not literally but not much diffent. It's true that nobody even my parents order me around but somehow I keep on doing what others expect me to do. That's odd how I have awarded of it all the time and yet I'm still do it. And the worst part is I'm stuck.
I don't know how to break out of the person everyone want me to be but also can't completely obey them, can't be a "little miss perfect". Everytime, I do or say something I always think whether it will satisfy my parents, my friends or my teachers. And I'm sick of it. I just want to do things I love, say things I like and yet, I can't never lift my arm or open my mouth.
Lately, I just want to be alone where nobody could reach me, where I will concern about noone else feeling. I know it's very selfish but I couldn't stop. Moreover, it's only something I want to not something I'm gonna do. Ironic, isn't it? But once again, if I hide in some place would it be any different than right now. Or would I sit in a corner and start to wander if I worry them to much and I am crossing the line and so on.
However, I do aware why I have the tender to do what others like. Simply because I care for them. It's quite ridiculous how even when I don't know what others think about me (I'm only good at telling what they want) I decide I should cut of a source of worry for them: me. I do what they want so they will satisfy and stop worrying about me. I don't know how good it work but at least I am the child my parents have to worry less about.
So after go on and on about my characteristics I end up admit them and doing no thing. Weird me.

Once again, I sink myself in the world of manga. As I'm writng this blog I'm rereading a manga name "Vampire Knight".
There are many things that make a mange alike a fairy tale. The most important one, in my opinion at least, is they are both inspired by reality. I don't mean that there is actual such perfect world but isn't a imperfect world that could create such magic place. If we all cover in perfection, we would never realize what we have. nethertheless, because our world is not perfect we dream about a better place and expess it in a fairy tale or a manga (in this case).
However, just because manga come from the same wish as fairy tale that they are alike. I myself enjoy reading manga but I can't say the same about fairy tale. A fairy tale is where everything is perfect, from the characters to the place. And perfection is the thing I hate most in the world. It's naive and sinful at the same time. It come from a normal desire of us and destroy us. whatever, I'm not talking about it right now. The point here is manga is nothing like fairy tale at this point, manga is imperfect.
I can imagine you ask with open eyes why I would like to read it if it is not perfect. Nonsense yet it make a lot of good sense. Let me ask you do you still believe in fairy when you grow up??? No. That is understoodable. Who would believe there is a girl as pure as Snowwhite and Cinderella. But a girl like Toru in "Fruit Basket" we can believe in. After all, she was raise to be the person she is and Yuuki in "Vampire knight" too she has someone to depend on. Moreover, even thought they are good there is still something in them that is not completely good. That dark part that they have to try so hard to overcome is what make there statement stronger than that of any fairy tale could make. And that's why they make me believe in a better world.
(I'm running out of time ^_^. Next time I'm gonna talk about bad characters who sometime I liked even better the good one.

Now that 's I call trouble.
The last few day has been sooo tired.
Mid-term test and SAT all together
They worn me out
I am sick and tired
Don't know what is pushing me
Through all this
And make me suffer



Mommy, is it you who put hope on me
Making me go through this
NO! NO!
I DON'T THINK SO



Or is it you daddy
Who love me so and want me to success
NO! NO !
I DON'T THINK SO.



Then it must be me
The girl who want the best
Who want to reach and be so strong
But that's not what I am right now
Sinking and losing my hope
My life purpose and my happy smile



They'd all gone
No more

For long I forgot my friend
Leave memory to blur and forget my loveone
I lose my past

Then I head to future
Forgotting about frind around me
Distance myself and let them forgot me
I lose my present

Now after all I went through
So close to the goal
I forgot why I want to be there, why I running, and for that
I lose my future

I lose all but I won't give up
I'll live on and find what I want
I'll make friend and make love
I'll find my purpose and my own way
Even if the old me have lost and never be found
I shall not stop
Will start over and creat a new me
There is all way time
And I'll make every second of my life count
Don't want to waste
Any more minute
I'm standing right up
And start walking
To tomorrow

My friend!
Today I read your blog for the first time and I read the thought you share us. It don't make me cry but a little something is left. You have always been the friend I love, for the kindness and gentle you giveus all. You have always helpful and I've seen you get med before. You always smile but I know beneath that happy face is the pain of sickness. And thought god isn't love you enought for a healthy body, you love all other creation of him.
You live with the happiness I envy to. Around you are friends attracted and I found myself in them. And I know no matter how much I go I wil always remember you and your smile and the way u live. I don't know what you thing about me but I hope somewhere in your hart there is a place for me.

Finally, today I write my essay for the US university. It comes quite easily, much easier than I though. I guess that is pay off of 4 night just thinking about it. It's a long 600 words essay about I get into my current high school. Even thought it seem like a normal essay, I think it's not so normal and can be out-standing others essay or at least don't put the reader to deep sleep. Guess I check I later to see if I falling asleep myseft.
Lately all I do on net is looking for admitration information. There are numberous of them but the most useful like where to downloading from and other things is nowhere to find. I swear after I get though with this I would put the whole project online for the later generation. I do find some web of my country student but not so helpful I must say.

Change

Lately I've been thinking if I am still a tomboy. That's strange. When I was young all I want is to be consider as a boy and do everything I want. I spent time with boys, talk like a boy, act like a boy. Since when did I start to realize to be a girl is much better for me? Since when I start to raise my hair and be so soft? Since when did I want to be consider equal to boy but as a girl? That's so funny.
The more I look at myself, the more I found I have change. Then why do I so certain that I will not change anymore? Even the hardest rock wear out after time then why not me? Guess I'm stupid to be so sure. Do you??

Read post

Suddenly I read a post of a friend and feel so strange. A bit empty, a bit full, a bit happy and a bit sad but none is correct. As the same age, in the same class but we have so much different. He has so unfamiliar experience realizing that he has hurt someone and could not redo. It's so strange for me. I couldn't remember anything like that. I couldn't remember if I have hurt someone( except for my brother which I'll never regret hurting literal or mental).Is it because I'm too good in relationship to hurt people or becausei have close myself to any relationship so noone can hurt me and therefore I don't hurt anyone. I don't even know is it good or bad. It's true no one want to be hurt but am I missing a part of life??? Guess I have to answer this myself.